Moving on from Relational Trauma
As humans we are always in relationship.
We develop our understanding of ourselves through the relationships we have with other people. Good and healthy relationships help us develop a sense of trust in others and ourselves, provide hope about the future and offer containment us as we change and grow over time. Solid relationships are those that can remain strong as we develop and shape-shift in our identity over time. We are always in a place of change as the world around us is in continuous transition. Good relationships can adapt as we change. Having happy and healthy relationships with others supports us in developing a healthy emotional relationship with ourselves.
As a therapist I am always interested in the systems that my client exists in or has existed in, and I am interested in what they have internalised from those systems.
Whether it is in community, culture, education, faith, family, friendship, intimacy, relationship, sex or work. Do or did those systems help them develop and grow or do those systems shrink them? What works well in those systems for them? Some clients find it helpful to shine a light on what is not working so well for them. What beliefs do they hold about themselves that give them strength and what beliefs about themselves that might prompt them to develop a more compassionate and kind internal loving voice about themselves. Is it a healthy opportunity to support my client to let go of beliefs or expectations that no longer serve them.
When we have experienced relational trauma, the emotional baggage that we have from our relational history can interfere with our capacity to form new relationships.
We cannot change what we are born in to, the intergenerational trauma that gets passed on to us, or the relational trauma that happened to us, but we can change and chose how we react to relational dynamics that no longer serve us well. The healing from our relational trauma comes slowly as we learn to understand and develop how the relational dynamics from the past could be playing out in the present. The past is gone and there is nothing we can do to change the past. The present is here and we can learn from our past about how not to repeat relationship patterns. We can go out into the world with an air of curiosity; we can evolve and grow.
We can make a choice to be a survivor: that relational trauma happened to ‘me’ but that ‘trauma me’ is not my whole identity.
What can I take from my understanding of trauma? What I need to do to look after myself when in relationship? Who can offer the care or holding I need when I feel emotionally vulnerable? Is there a safe place in my body where I can go when my relationship with the other or the world out there feels unsafe? Is there some form of external self-care or self-soothing mechanism I can reach for when feeling activated relationally?
Moving on from relational trauma can be a long journey and it is not always a simple journey.
We are always in relationship from the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep. From the moments we spend in our mother’s womb, to when we are born, to the moments towards the end of life when we draw our last breath. What we can control in each of those moments is who we let into our lives now, and we can ask ourselves if those relationships are nourishing us or serving us well, and then there is the amount of love and self-compassion we allow in to heal our relational trauma. We can do that healing work when we feel ready to witness the good and bad of how we speak to ourselves and how we speak or express ourselves to the world around us. Therapy can be that intimate safe space to hold you whilst you decide how you want to move on from your relational trauma.