International Non-Binary (genderqueer) Day
International Non-Binary People’s Day is observed each year on 14th July. Happy Non-Binary Day to my Non-Binary colleagues, community, family, and friends.
Today we celebrate that there are many more genders than just the bio medical model of male and female gender.
SexualDiversity.org reports that there are now up 107 gender identities, and more being discovered all the time.
Often the mass media tells us that non-binary people are just a fad, and we are something new. Though non-binary identities have been recognised for many years by the cultures and societies around the world for many years.
I begin this blog with this quote from Alok Vaid-Menon from there book “Beyond the Gender Binary”:
“We do the same thing to the next generation that was done to us. We divide billions of people into one of two categories and tell them that this is the way things are. We emphasize and exaggerate the differences between these categories and minimize the differences that exist within them. We forget that there is more variety within the categories of men and women than between them. We forget the ways in which we once deviated from the norm. We forget that humans have never perfectly aligned with these norms”.
Definition of Non-Binary (also known as genderqueer):
Being non-binary is a very personal experience, being non-binary and what it means to the individual will mean different things to each of us. Some non-binary people don’t see themselves as male or female, some don’t see gender, for some it is a political act of not conforming to societies norms and values, being third gender or other-gendered, and this also includes a category that includes those who not want to ascribe a name to their gender.
For me being non-binary started with a dream
I started understanding that I was non-binary began at Loving Men at New Year in 2019. As someone that was into kink and doesn’t mind getting naked, I was surprised to be uncomfortable, I was in a dorm of gay men at Loving Men, some of whom went to bed naked, I was uncomfortable being in a room of men, when previously I have had no difficulties. Ironically, I moved to the drag workshop room and set up bed on the floor, surrounded by make-up, wigs, outfits, and heals. I had a dream where I was on a medical bed and different important people in my life were taking away or literally rubbing out bits of my body. I woke up in a hot sweat tried to write out all I had remembered in the dream. I then tried to find the words that talked to how I was feeling in gender. I then came home and came-out to my therapist they were very accepting, affirming and validating. I was lucky to have an experienced and good therapist.
In my much younger years, school was not safe being queer, I doubt it would have been very supportive around gender diversity. Growing up as a modern Jewish orthodox person, Jewish orthodoxy, and the conservative community I was brought up in did not give much permission to be different. Though if we had the language of non-binary back then or even at school growing up, I may have felt at home in my gendered body earlier.
Looking back to my late teens and early 20s, I was always very gender bending as a positive expression of my queerness.
The party people that I was hanging out with were extremely gender diverse and non-gender conforming. In terms of my body shape, I thought it was due to hedonism, most likely emotionally it was also a physical sign of the grief of friends and lovers dying of HIV and just working too many hours a chef that I kept my skinny shape. I understand now that there was body and gender dysphoria going on. I feel it was also for me the queer press at the time and those on the scene, the messages I received were to be a queer man I needed to be either very skinny or to work out at the gym, at the time these were the only types of people presented in the queer press. I realise it was the androgyny of being thin that made me feel okay in gender.
Finding the language genderqueer brought lots of answers to internal questions that I had been having for a long time and brought many more questions as to what would make me comfortable in my non-binary identity. I am pleased that the dream and my younger years feel like such a long time ago now and taking steps around gender such as changing my name, people using the right gender pronouns, having my name blessing within my faith community and being out. All these steps have not only made me feel better living in my gender body and have brought gender euphoria. To borrow the words of a friend each of us are on our own journey of gender healing and recovery whilst as gender diverse humans we are living in a world that makes it difficult to be ourselves.
About Affirmative Therapy for Gender, Sexuality and Relationship Diverse People:
As a therapist I offer affirmative therapy, this is a therapy that helps gender, sexuality, and relationship diverse clients, weigh up the choices and options available, it affirms and validates gender, sexuality and relationship diverse people’s identities and internal feelings around gender, it doesn’t pathologize them. Affirmative therapy is not “conversion therapy” or “reparative therapy”, “conversion therapy” or “reparative therapy” causes traumatic damage to clients that experience it, it is about invalidating how the person feels in their identity and takes personal choice away. You can read more about the damage caused “conversion therapy” or “reparative therapy” on the Stonewall UK website.
We need you to be an ally
In our current toxic climate for transgender and non-binary people we need more friends and allies. Please celebrate the unique and sometimes complex intersectional identities and lives of non-binary people. For those doom scrolling on social media, hold hope there were 30,000 people that attended London Trans Pride this year. There are many out there that do support our right to exist.
Want to be a better ally to the non-binary and transgender community? Here is a guide from the Trevor Project:
Happy International Non-Binary Day!